I am 30 weeks, 1 day pregnant. This little man is roughly 14.5 inches and 3 lbs...according to parenting.com. Can you believe it?
I can't. I don't know when this is all going to feel real. I mean...I can feel that reality is approaching fast as diaper pails and play yards show up on my doorstep...and as I research product reviews of car seats and baby monitors. But it is still hard to wrap my brain around the fact that in 10 weeks (give or take) I will meet this little person who will one day call me mom.
I don't know if I'll ever settle into a consistent feeling before (or even after) he comes. But then, when has life ever provided consistent feelings? And what fun would that be? I am excited. I am full of anticipation. I am overjoyed! And I am increasingly terrified. And doubtful that I will be able to navigate motherhood. And then that makes me feel bad. I love this little boy so much...but I am afraid of him.
I'm glad to be starting week 30, because week 29 just felt crummy. It was one of those weeks where I felt like tears were only ever a minute away. A week where I was lonely...but kind of wanted to be alone...around people. Anybody else ever get that or should I blame pregnancy? I didn't get to talk to JT much this week just with various things I had going on in the evenings...and it turns out that maybe that's not so good. He's my glue.
So far things have really been going as good as one could hope for with the long-distance-marriage business. I've only cried a couple of times and gotten over it pretty fast. We've been packing lots of quality time into our weekends. But this week was a reminder that some days, some weeks, are going to be harder...and I'll have to figure out where my tape is until my glue gets back.
I guess I'm not the only one that hit my limit this week though. Chester (our dog) seemed to reach a breaking point. He quite deliberately peed on JT's bag last weekend as if to say "Here's what I think of you leaving every week!" It's like he gave him the doggy middle finger. And I swear when JT left on Monday, Chester gave him the cold shoulder. The next two days he was completely inconsolable...which only amplified my emotionally exhausted state and made me question my readiness for motherhood more. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Ball? Treat? Walk? WHAAAT? Nothing pacified him. I think he just missed his dad.
On an unrelated note (I told you not to expect focus), and because I feel like I need to end this downer of a post with something positive: we bought our tile last weekend!!!!! For the bathroom that has been torn apart for a year and a half!!!!! I am really, really hoping we can crank that bad boy out in the next 5 weeks before school and JT's academy start.
And since life is never all bad, here's a list of other positive stuff that happened this week:
- I got $30 cash in the mail for doing one of those TV viewing surveys!
- I went to a water exercise class 3 times this week with a good friend from school. I thought it might be lame and just be a bunch of old ladies, but I actually really enjoyed it. We Zumba-ed in the pool!
- Because of previously mentioned water exercise...I managed to get a little color without completely frying my pregnant skin in the 90+ degree weather we've been having!
- I went to Froyo & Polka Dot Pottery with my 10 year old niece.
- I bought a diaper bag at my friend's Thirty-One party after agonizing WAY TOO MUCH about the color and size. But now I'm really excited about it.
- I ate Swedish pancakes (think crepes) basically all week and they tasted incredible every time.
- One night Ziggy was entirely on my right side...left of my navel was squishy and deflated while right of it was hard and full of little baby lumps...I can't help but smile when he does goofy things like that.
UPDATE: JT got home this morning at 7:00. Amazing what a little sleep and his presence can do for my mood. Feeling SOOOOO much better today than I did last night when I wrote this!
I struggle with titles too! Sometimes I have one at the start that's not entirely appropriate anymore when I finish, so they shift and change. Sometimes I have the title before the post, but that's rare. Other times I hate the title. Do you find that titles impact which posts are more popular than others? I like doing an informal study to see what words tend to bring more views. Interesting stuff, these interwebs. Do you write entire posts in your head sometimes before hitting the keyboard?
ReplyDelete"I'll have to figure out where my tape is until my glue gets back." -- what a beautiful and heartbreaking statement that just spoke to your relationship and your desire to figure out how to manage this new complication to life. Gorgeous phrasing, girl.
I am glad week 29 is over, if it was this past week then it seems to have been a crappy week for a lot of people. Some weird astrological crap, if I believed in that, or solar radiation or something bringing out all the cranky in everyone in ways hurtful and not. I can completely understand being scared of the precious little bundle waiting to come out! It's got to get a bit overwhelming at the end, to realize that what's been percolating inside is soon going to be outside and the responsibility will change exponentially...lots will change, but in joyous ways too. But the fear I get. Sometimes I feel that way about the possibility of being pregnant--after all this, I hope I'm not terrified the whole time and don't know what to do with myself. I can't even think far enough ahead to think of actually holding that dream outside the body, so I get being 10 weeks away and like, WAIT! I'm not quite ready! :) You're so ready! You can do this! I loved your lists of positives. Sometimes that helps when it seems like things are not where you'd like them to be, to look at all the little things that DID go right in a crap week.
So glad your glue came home! :)
Hey Jess...thanks for your continued support! I so appreciate your comments! Even though I set these thoughts out into the abyss just to release them, it's nice to know that there are a few people out there reading it.
DeleteI guess I normally have an idea...not all the specific words...of what I will write about before I sit down and the title kind of comes with it. But before I was pregnant I wrote a lot of posts before hitting the keyboard. I was completely living in my head then and IF was all-consuming so the posts often did draft themselves. In fact, it is a big part of why I started the blog...I needed to let that $*!# out! Maybe that makes me sound like a bit of a head case. Maybe I am??
Anyway, since being pregnant I am a much happier person overall and many of my posts I've written just to keep this space going...for fun rather than necessity. I just sit down and type those ones in the moment. That being said, there have been a few of my classic "release the ugly" posts mixed in and you can almost bank on the fact that those have been swirling around in my head a bit before they hit the internet!
I haven't really noticed that the title impacts viewer-ship...but now I'm curious. Most of my posts get a pretty similar number of views...I have a small, but seemingly steady group of followers. I think imbedding pictures plays a larger role in my view count than titles.
Thanks again for your encouraging words...the fear is very real and it feels good to acknowledge that. It's always been lurking around since the very beginning and rears it's ugly head from time to time. I'm sure you'll probably experience it more than the average, fertile person...but the mixed bag it comes with is so great! And, at least for me, the hope and excitement and joy and love far outweigh it!
"Release the ugly" posts -- I love it! Interesting about the pictures, I didn't think of that! All the best to you in these last weeks before you meet your little man. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the idea of underwater Zumba with the blue-hairs had me laughing -- that sounds fantastic! Love it!
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