So..."What's new?" you may (or may not) be wondering, since it has been a couple weeks since my last post.
Answer: the KinderCoaster that is my life continues with its ups and downs, but not the really big kinds, just enough to keep things interesting.
Lately I've been in a bit of a down swing with no real reason. I've just been feeling some anxiety and having some morbid dreams (both day and night) about baby. The nightmares have been going on for awhile and leave me feeling uneasy when I wake up, but the "day-mares" are new. I'm chalking it up to pregnancy hormones, but it also could just be "me" because I am no stranger to anxiety. I'll be sitting around, rubbing my stomach or singing to baby, daydreaming about our little one with his/her cute little feet crossed, maybe sucking a thumb and wiggling a bit in his/her amniotic sack when all of a sudden the picture in my mind flashes to a lifeless fetus. Or I'll be thinking of our upcoming 21 week ultrasound...my husband and I staring excitedly at the screen waiting to see what this little person is up to, and the image flashes to a concerned ultrasound tech who can't find a heartbeat. Or I'll be envisioning the day that I go to the hospital...totally huge and waddling in the door...eager to meet this baby in person for the first time...I'm a total warrior through labor (remember, a girl can dream) and my husband is holding my hand and kissing my head and smiling with those gray eyes of his that I hope our baby inherits...and the image flashes to the doctor holding up a silent, purple baby.
I push the bad thoughts away as quickly as they enter and try to replace them with the happy ones they interrupted, but it is still disturbing that they keep cropping up. And it doesn't really help that I've felt smaller this week than last week. What's that about? And it also doesn't help that I've thought I've felt the baby on a few different occasions, but then will go days without feeling anything (no matter how much I push and poke to try to coax out a kick).
My husband jokes with me, "Stop poking so much...you're going to make Ziggy stupid!"
Oh, "Ziggy" is what we've (or I should say he's) been calling baby since the beginning. At first I protested the name because I felt like he just started using it without consulting me (so I retaliated by using "Dot" without consulting him). And also it reminds me of a local hardware store here called Ziggy's and I thought that was weird. But, after awhile "Dot" was so much more than a Dot and Ziggy started to grow on me. I think I just fell in love with hearing my husband talk about Ziggy and I've been using it now too for a long time, along with variations such as "Zig" and "Zigster."
Anyhow, I've been anxious about Ziggy. I think it has just been too long since I heard/saw/felt him/her and I want some reassurance. I mean, I guess the weeks have been flying by. I am now 19 weeks 2 days pregnant!!! But I haven't seen Zig since March 18, haven't heard anything since April 22, and haven't felt anything for about a week.
About a week and a half ago was the first time I was sure I felt a little burst of baby movement. Prior to that I had felt much gentler, and always very fleeting, movements a couple times. The ones that make you go "Hmmm??" But a week and a half ago, I was at my Grandma's house for dinner (every Wednesday is Grandma night...I go for dinner and we either play cards or watch Project Runway afterward). I was pushing on my stomach with both palms. I was pushing slowly, but was determined to get a response...so I just kept pushing until something...rather someone...gave me a nice strong kick or punch as if to say, "Cut it out, Mom!" I was so shocked by the abrupt response that I immediately let go of my stomach and tried to contain my giddiness.
Later, when telling JT about it, we both decided that it was definitely my kid in there. I guess we don't really need proof of that, but I have a tendency to....ummm...explode on occasion. Most of the time I am a very calm and peaceful person. I can tolerate a lot of little annoyances, but sometimes they build to a boiling point and I can't take it anymore. When I was younger and would argue with my little sisters, I think I was pretty level-headed. They'd be yelling and screaming, or sometimes even kicking or slapping, and I'd just stand my ground and try to defuse the situation until...BOP...I couldn't take it anymore! I'd give them a quick BOP square on the top of their head with my palm. They'd be so startled for the sudden outburst that they would completely freeze for a few seconds and then start bawling. I was often surprised too...feeling like it was just a reflex and out of my control...and I'd apologize profusely and hug them and beg them not to tell on me.
Another example is when our cat used to circle my head in the wee hours of the morning, purring and carrying on and wanting me to get up and feed her or give her attention. She has since learned her lesson and doesn't bug me anymore, but I used to let her do this for an INSANE amount of time...thinking if I ignored her, she would stop. Never expect a cat to reason like a human. But then, when she didn't, I would catapult her across the room without warning. Cats are smarter than little sisters, maybe, because I think that only happened about three times ever. I can't count how many times I bopped my little sisters on the head.
Eeesh...I feel like I am airing some dirty laundry here. Try not to judge too hard...or if you judge, don't tell me about it, because judgment is like my ultimate fear. Or maybe judge me AND tell me about it so I can overcome my fear...
Do whatever you want...
So, once again, I've digressed. The point of all this is that we decided, as far as we can tell, Ziggy is mostly calm, but a little explosive, like me. We'll see if that holds true in the future...
Other than the anxiety, I have been doing great. Ligament pain continues and this week I added a little joint pain in my knees to the list, but neither is bad. I've stopped working out with my friends after school because I think the workouts we were doing were a little too vigorous for a pregnant lady...so I am going back to prenatal yoga courtesy of youtube. I've been all about fruit for a week or so...can't get enough and recently have been craving peanut butter and honey toast. I'm starting to get eager to clean out the nursery and start shopping and decorating, but I am holding off until after school is out. By then we'll know the gender too, so that may influence some of my decisions.
Oh, and good news on the job front for my husband! Still not ready to talk about it here, but things are looking a little more hopeful after the blow he took a few weeks back. Hooray about that!
So overall, I am great. A little exhausted, but great. This is an exhausting time of the year...there is so much to do as the school year comes to a close and kids are getting excited (or experiencing their own anxiety) about summer and behaviors change. My kids have been NUTS these past couple of weeks: very chatty, very tattle-y, very whine-y. I haven't bopped any of them on the head or anything, but they have been wearing me out! Yesterday though it was a little overcast, the school carnival had been the night before, they were coming off of a full moon Wednesday, and I had 4 absent. It was like someone shot them all with tranquilizers and it was sooooo nice. If the last 18 days could feel like that??? Ahhh...more dreaming interrupted by crying and arguing and wild children. Oh well, it was a blissful way to start the weekend anyway.
In all honesty, this has been my favorite group of kids to date. I always love my firsties, but each group takes on a group-personality and each class has been as different as the individuals within it. I will definitely be sad to see these guys go, but am looking forward to summer and baby-prep officially starting in 18 (work) days!!!