Thursday, June 26, 2014

What Dreams May Come

When I started this blog I thought it would mostly be about teaching, with a little infertility stuff sprinkled in.  I thought maybe I could get really ambitious and make all sorts of cute wonderful things that other teachers would want...and maybe even pay me for eventually! 
No thank you.  I don't think this blog will ever be what I originally dreamed it might.  That's so much work and there are already so many women out there who do it better than I ever could.  I would forever be feeling inferior.  I'll just leave it to them and buy their cute stuff.
So, the blog quickly became more infertility focused until that surprise egg that managed to get fertilized back in January.  And it was a surprise.  A WONDERFUL surprise! But left me thinking "what now?" in terms of the blog.  Since then it has been a place to document this pregnancy and some of my thoughts...but it's been tricky deciding what to post, where I stand as an IFer/preggo, and whether or not anyone cares at all.  My posts don't write themselves in my head the way they did before I got pregnant.  By that I mean I was living in my head...thinking about IF constantly.  The blog was a way to release all that had been swirling around in there and was therapeutic in that sense.
I have had plenty on my mind since becoming pregnant and I am thinking that in addition to this being a place for me to document pregnancy and tell the occasional funny first grade story, perhaps the best use of this quaint little space I've staked out in the blogsphere is as a dumping ground for what's on my mind.

Without further ado, let me fill you in on the latest.

My husband has been per suing (weird, I thought that was one word, but spell check says no) a new career since September.  Maybe you would even call it soul-searching.  He finished getting his MBA last August where he focused mostly on finance and he had been working as a medical reimbursement consultant for 6 years since graduating with a BA in economics.  When he decided to pursue law enforcement it came as a shock to many...I mean, it doesn't exactly line up with everything he has studied or done to this point.  But it didn't surprise me at all.  It seemed like such a perfect fit on so many levels.  I was onboard from the beginning...weirdly calm about this dramatic shift because it felt right for him and for us even though it was bound to come with some sacrifices and major challenges.
The hiring process is long and challenging and not completely unlike our experience with infertility.  I won't get into specifics because he didn't ask for his life to broadcast on the internet, but there was lots of waiting between different stages of the process.  Plenty of not-knowing and feeling out-of-control...doing everything in your power to achieve a dream and still not being sure that it was going to be enough.  Oh, and then there were the irritating things that people said.  And finally, in what I thought was the end, after doing so well on everything, his body didn't cooperate.  At the very last stage of being accepted he was medically disqualified.  It seemed sooo unfair because he would have been so right for the job!  Sound familiar???
He's an amazing man, and a fighter, and he managed to walk through a door that most people would have thought had been slammed shut.
I am so damn proud of him. 
Well, that brings us to now.  
On June 8 (the Sunday before my last week of school) he moved three hours away to work as a trooper cadet for the summer.  We are able to talk every night and he comes home on the weekends.
He will be there until September 8 when he starts training (arming/academy).  He will be about 5-6 hours away during the training which lasts roughly 6 months unless he gets more cadet duty during that time.  I intend to stay here and he will either drive or fly home on weekends...which may seem ridiculous, but I think is our best option.  My family is here, my friends are here, my job is here, my doctor is here.  I have a network here.  Besides, it is a "live-in" academy, meaning if I was closer to him I still wouldn't get to see him during the week.  So I would be alone in a new place with a new baby...I would have to pack up and move only to potentially do it all over again at the end of training.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you know me like I know me.
That first week he was gone was just nuts because it was the last week of school too.  I was so busy I hardly had time to think much of it...but I had my weak moments and did most of my crying that week.  Last week and this week have really been fine.  I've been keeping pretty busy and I really look forward to weekends.  Our time together feels so much more valuable now that it is limited. 
Last weekend JT painted the nursery and built the crib.  So this week I have started in on searching out d├ęcor and furniture.  One of my sisters and a sister-in-law are throwing me a shower in I've also been working on the guest list and thinking about a registry.  In addition to that I am trying to chip away at the ever-growing to-do list that I want to accomplish before baby arrives.  It's fun, and I am so glad I have the summer to dedicate to this sort of thing, but I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by it all.  Things are getting really real folks! And I keep wondering if I can possibly be ready in 15 weeks!?!?
The dogs are having a tough time adjusting to JT being gone, but they are good company...and lucky me, I get to be with Ziggy 24/7.  That little guy makes me so happy.  This is tough and certainly not ideal, but I can't imagine trying to cope with a long-distance marriage and infertility at the same time.
I try to play music and talk to the pets/Ziggy/MYSELF just so Ziggy doesn't get to used to it being quiet all the time.  When JT calls I put him on speaker for awhile so Ziggy can still hear his voice. 
I've been staying up later 1.) because it's summer and I don't have to go to work, and 2.) because Ziggy gets most active around 11 or 12 and I like to be awake for it.  But I've been having trouble sleeping because I just have so much on my mind.  Hopefully dumping some of it here will mean better rest!
It's really not bad.  I am managing and will continue to do just fine.  I am so happy.  I am so proud.  I miss JT so much.  I am in love with our baby.  I am exhausted.  I am anxious.  I am nesting.  I am blessed.  It's just weird...I never thought that all our dreams coming true could be so hard.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Random Thoughts

So, I'm not sure what any of this is worth or whether or not any of it could constitute its own post, but I have some random pregnancy-related thoughts.  And frankly I am too tired to organize them into anything more clever than what they here you go...
  • I miss belt loops.  And belts for that matter.  You would think with an ever-expanding belly and an elastic waistband that grazes your rib cage, keeping pants up wouldn't be a problem.  Well, wrong.  I am constantly pulling my pants up, but don't know what to grab...I usually have to put my index finger in the front pocket and my thumb in the back and do this "pinch and pull" maneuver if I care to avoid the saggy-butt look.
  • I hope that doesn't sound like me complaining.  Every minor inconvenience of pregnancy is soooo worth it...and is exactly what I wanted.  The good. The bad. The ugly.  The experience. (Keep that in mind as you continue through my random thoughts).
  • The worst part about the saggy pants thing is when they take your underwear with them.  There is no inconspicuous way to fix that problem.  Good thing I go to the bathroom every half hour so I can adjust my droopy drawers.
  • That sounds gross.
  • But I'm not sorry.
  • I refer to myself as "we" a lot now.  Like, when I talk to my husband on the phone and he asks how I'm doing I say, "We are fine."  Or I'll announce to the pets that "We are home."  We also get tired.  We get hungry.  We go to work and the mailbox and Target.  We even play tag...or at least we try.  It's kind of fun to never be alone.   
  • It's a little stupid how upset I am about having to take out my belly button piercing.  Okay, it's a lot stupid.  I guess there are bars you can buy that expand with your tummy and I was going to do that, but the jewelry just looks dumb under bump-hugging clothing.  And it was starting to get uncomfortable.  I think I took it out around 17 weeks??  But then for a few weeks after that I would put it back in on the weekends so the hole didn't grow closed.  That was fine for a week or two.  But after that it got pretty tricky trying to get it in and my belly button got sore and red.  One day I caught it on something, it pulled and the hole started bleeding.  So I decided to give up since I was being ridiculous.  And vain.  It's been a few weeks since that happened and sometimes I inspect the little hole...I can't tell if it is stretched so tight that it appears like it is closing or if it is, in fact, actually closing.  I've had it pierced for almost 11 years, so I'm hoping it is permanent and will go back to normal-ish after Ziggy arrives. 
  • I got my belly-button pierced the same day I met my husband for the first time.  It was July and I had just turned 18.  I was showing my best friend how brave and rebellious I felt and this guy she worked with was refilling the salsa bar at Senor Froggies.  It wasn't exactly love at first sight...but I think the two of us saying "hello" gave her the idea to play match-maker.  JT was still a little heart-broken from a relationship that ended right before prom and I was seriously interested in finding a boyfriend since I never really had any in high school.  I was hoping college would present more options/opportunities for dating.  JT and I were headed to the same college in the fall.  She saw the potential and very methodically facilitated the beginning stages of our relationship.  And the rest, as they say, is history.  Maybe that's why I'm so attached to the silly thing.  It marked the beginning of my young adulthood, my years of college, and the beginning of dating my husband.    It is kind of a symbol of that chapter in my life.  It was the beginning of me really turning into me...away from my family and out on my own.  And though I am thrilled to be starting a new chapter, removing the belly-button ring is like that "me" chapter coming to a close.  The "we" chapter begins... 
  • That sounds sappy and ridiculous.
  • For that, I AM sorry.
  • Yesterday was field day.  It kicked my pregnant butt.  I think I am in pretty decent shape and that this pregnancy is progressing rather smoothly.  I haven't really noticed too many limitations physically yet.  But being outside, on my feet, in the sun with a bunch of hyper firsties all afternoon drained me like you wouldn't believe.  Every time I sat down yesterday evening I feared I wouldn't get up. 
  • It is a small miracle I got out of bed this morning.
  • Monday night I stayed up waaaaaay too late.  Or was it Tuesday?  Or was it both?  Anyhow: I stayed up late one night and Ziggy got REALLY active.  I am not sure if he is normally awake then and I just sleep through it or if it is a new thing or a one time thing.  But he was moving around like crazy and I could SEE him and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  I even laughed out loud and asked him what he was doing.  I've seen a few of his movements before, but hardly ever do I get to see a whole series of movements.  And all I wanted was for his dad to be there to see it, but he was out of town.
  • And now I think I'm about to have my second exhausted-end-of-the-year-pregnancy-hormone-inhanced-husband's-out-of-town meltdown of the day.
So...we'll be signing off and heading toward bed.  In the morning we will go to our last day of school this year!!  Can we get an "amen"? 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Here's a Quickie ;)

Hi y'all!
What a crazy couple of weeks it has been...lots going on, lots to share...I swear I've been writing posts in my head for weeks.  Some of them deep, some funny, some celebratory, some whiney.  But alas, I need to fold laundry and get to bed so I can make it through one more week of school. 
Hallelujah, BTW. 
1 more week of school.
I am ready for summer...and think I am feeling the nesting instinct coming on pretty strong.  I am trying to hold off on hunting for cobwebs, cleaning light fixtures, vacuuming every nook and cranny, etc. until I get out of school. But seriously, all those little things are glaring at me all the time and starting to make me mad. 
Like the crazy kind of mad.  Insane!
Anyhow...biggest baby news since my last post??? 
It's a BOY!!!
And gosh darn it if he isn't the cutest little fella I ever did see...
Love those little dukes:)

Here he is all curled up and attempting to suck his thumb.  It was so cute...he kept opening his mouth and fumbling around but couldn't quite get what he was after.

Profile shot in 2D

This is him resting on his arm and the placenta like a little pillow.

And some tiny toes...
Even better news than being able to say "he" instead of baby or he/she all the time is that everything they needed to measure looked great and he had a heartbeat of 138.  He was pretty comfy with his head on my right side and his feet over on the left, tummy facing up toward my ribs. They were trying to get him to flip around a bit for some other measurements of his heart and spine and he just wasn't being real cooperative.  His active times are pretty consistently between 10-11 (both am and pm) and also in the 5-7pm window.  I wasn't too upset he was being stubborn though, because that just means I get to see him again in a couple of weeks:).
I can't remember exactly where I left off, but here are last week's belly pics on "Gender Reveal Day."

21 weeks 

Now seriously, I've got to go move some laundry!