What Dreams May Come

When I started this blog I thought it would mostly be about teaching, with a little infertility stuff sprinkled in.  I thought maybe I could get really ambitious and make all sorts of cute wonderful things that other teachers would want...and maybe even pay me for eventually! 

Ha.

No thank you.  I don't think this blog will ever be what I originally dreamed it might.  That's so much work and there are already so many women out there who do it better than I ever could.  I would forever be feeling inferior.  I'll just leave it to them and buy their cute stuff.

So, the blog quickly became more infertility focused until that surprise egg that managed to get fertilized back in January.  And it was a surprise.  A WONDERFUL surprise! But left me thinking "what now?" in terms of the blog.  Since then it has been a place to document this pregnancy and some of my thoughts...but it's been tricky deciding what to post, where I stand as an IFer/preggo, and whether or not anyone cares at all.  My posts don't write themselves in my head the way they did before I got pregnant.  By that I mean I was living in my head...thinking about IF constantly.  The blog was a way to release all that had been swirling around in there and was therapeutic in that sense.

I have had plenty on my mind since becoming pregnant and I am thinking that in addition to this being a place for me to document pregnancy and tell the occasional funny first grade story, perhaps the best use of this quaint little space I've staked out in the blogsphere is as a dumping ground for what's on my mind.

Without further ado, let me fill you in on the latest.

My husband has been per suing (weird, I thought that was one word, but spell check says no) a new career since September.  Maybe you would even call it soul-searching.  He finished getting his MBA last August where he focused mostly on finance and he had been working as a medical reimbursement consultant for 6 years since graduating with a BA in economics.  When he decided to pursue law enforcement it came as a shock to many...I mean, it doesn't exactly line up with everything he has studied or done to this point.  But it didn't surprise me at all.  It seemed like such a perfect fit on so many levels.  I was onboard from the beginning...weirdly calm about this dramatic shift because it felt right for him and for us even though it was bound to come with some sacrifices and major challenges.

The hiring process is long and challenging and not completely unlike our experience with infertility.  I won't get into specifics because he didn't ask for his life to broadcast on the internet, but there was lots of waiting between different stages of the process.  Plenty of not-knowing and feeling out-of-control...doing everything in your power to achieve a dream and still not being sure that it was going to be enough.  Oh, and then there were the irritating things that people said.  And finally, in what I thought was the end, after doing so well on everything, his body didn't cooperate.  At the very last stage of being accepted he was medically disqualified.  It seemed sooo unfair because he would have been so right for the job!  Sound familiar???

He's an amazing man, and a fighter, and he managed to walk through a door that most people would have thought had been slammed shut.

I am so damn proud of him. 

Well, that brings us to now.  

On June 8 (the Sunday before my last week of school) he moved three hours away to work as a trooper cadet for the summer.  We are able to talk every night and he comes home on the weekends.

He will be there until September 8 when he starts training (arming/academy).  He will be about 5-6 hours away during the training which lasts roughly 6 months unless he gets more cadet duty during that time.  I intend to stay here and he will either drive or fly home on weekends...which may seem ridiculous, but I think is our best option.  My family is here, my friends are here, my job is here, my doctor is here.  I have a network here.  Besides, it is a "live-in" academy, meaning if I was closer to him I still wouldn't get to see him during the week.  So I would be alone in a new place with a new baby...I would have to pack up and move only to potentially do it all over again at the end of training.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you know me like I know me.

That first week he was gone was just nuts because it was the last week of school too.  I was so busy I hardly had time to think much of it...but I had my weak moments and did most of my crying that week.  Last week and this week have really been fine.  I've been keeping pretty busy and I really look forward to weekends.  Our time together feels so much more valuable now that it is limited. 

Last weekend JT painted the nursery and built the crib.  So this week I have started in on searching out décor and furniture.  One of my sisters and a sister-in-law are throwing me a shower in mid-August...so I've also been working on the guest list and thinking about a registry.  In addition to that I am trying to chip away at the ever-growing to-do list that I want to accomplish before baby arrives.  It's fun, and I am so glad I have the summer to dedicate to this sort of thing, but I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by it all.  Things are getting really real folks! And I keep wondering if I can possibly be ready in 15 weeks!?!?

The dogs are having a tough time adjusting to JT being gone, but they are good company...and lucky me, I get to be with Ziggy 24/7.  That little guy makes me so happy.  This is tough and certainly not ideal, but I can't imagine trying to cope with a long-distance marriage and infertility at the same time.

I try to play music and talk to the pets/Ziggy/MYSELF just so Ziggy doesn't get to used to it being quiet all the time.  When JT calls I put him on speaker for awhile so Ziggy can still hear his voice. 

I've been staying up later 1.) because it's summer and I don't have to go to work, and 2.) because Ziggy gets most active around 11 or 12 and I like to be awake for it.  But I've been having trouble sleeping because I just have so much on my mind.  Hopefully dumping some of it here will mean better rest!

It's really not bad.  I am managing and will continue to do just fine.  I am so happy.  I am so proud.  I miss JT so much.  I am in love with our baby.  I am exhausted.  I am anxious.  I am nesting.  I am blessed.  It's just weird...I never thought that all our dreams coming true could be so hard.