My Hope Gremlin went M.I.A.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving everyone!

I've been away for awhile because the DH and I went to Vegas right after work on Wednesday to see his family down there.  Yep, that's right, my in-laws live in Vegas.  Not a terrible place to visit! 

It was a good, but very quick, trip.  Family from CA and TX came too, so it was basically a family reunion and I got to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen since our wedding!  Oh, and the food was AMAAAAZING!  I'm probably at least five pounds heavier, but I'm a little to scared to step on the scale to verify that:/ 

Anyway, we had a good time and I have much to be thankful for, but I can't help but feel a little down.  This is sort of typical coming off of a long, fun weekend and facing the idea of getting up for work in the morning (even though I LOVE my job).  But today seems worse and I think I know why...

I'm going to go ahead and blame the Clomid.

Apparently the 150mg did something but I am very confused as to what.  I was supposed to have my routine blood work this coming Friday (day 25) to see if my angry bird ovaries popped out any eggs, but that's not going to happen because I need to call my doctor come Monday morning and see why this cycle only lasted 18 days.  I am used to cycles lasting too long, but 18 days seems way too short!  What does it mean?  Has anyone else who has been on Clomid experienced this?

Right now I'm feeling bewildered, so excuse my rambling and wallowing...

I'm just feeling so....so...

So....

Robbed. 

This cycle stole my process.

This cycle totally blindsided me. 

I was skeptical that the 150 would work and was not really expecting anything, but I didn't realize how much I was counting on going through the process until it was stripped away from me.  After each crushing and very final "." my long cycles have always given me plenty of time to rebuild my hope.  It starts slow and unsure...creeping cautiously.  With each passing week the hope builds and gains momentum...maybe this time will be "it."  Maybe this is going to be the time that is different!  And a new chapter starts getting drafted...

Each time I have to close that book it hurts...but each time I get to start another chapter.   People say that maybe if I just relax or stop thinking about it, it'll happen...and maybe they're right...but so far I haven't found the "off" button to my brain...or the "mute" for that matter. 

But this is my process and that pesky little Hope Gremlin that never gives up and is responsible for the intensity of the hurting is also the very thing that keeps me going.

ANYWAY, my process has been cut short and I'm left absolutely bewildered.  I didn't have a chance to stock up enough hope to feel really sad or to feel really compelled to do whatever comes next.  

I haven't cried and I haven't felt any renewed fire.

Maybe this is what it's like in purgatory.

I'm just here.