Don't post anything at all, right?
Well, that's been my predicament this week. I've had a lot of negative energy rolling around inside of me and I know that it has been spilling out into this blog since Thanksgiving and my wacky 18 day cycle on 150mg of Clomid. I know I didn't promise a sun-shiney blog...but still, being a Debbie Downer all the time is annoying. So, I thought I'd spare you by keeping it to myself.
Sorry, that was a bad plan.
Instead of releasing my "ugly" here, I took it out on my husband. I got all bent out of shape when he made a joke about the laundry still being in the dryer from a week ago. I gave him the silent treatment for a reason I can't even remember now. And I think steam poured out of my ears every time he commented on how waiting two weeks to hear about a potential career change was KILLING him. How it is just so hard to wait for something he wants so bad! Umm, hello?
Instead of taking the good-wife approach and saying something like, "I totally get it, babe. It's awful trying to be patient when you're waiting on something you've wanted so long," I took the sarcastic approach and said something like, "Oh my gosh! Wow! You have to wait two whole weeks! How terrible! I have no idea what that feels like!"
What a b.
Truthfully, I'm just hurting...and it's not his fault.
I am so tired of putting up this front that things are swell when inside I am overrun by feelings of despair, impatience, anger, confusion...(all the ugly things). That's not to say that I can't find joy in the many "swell" parts of my life, but I just feel overwhelmed by the hurt throb that's going on.
I am nervous. Nervous about an appointment Thursday at the OBGYN. After I conveyed to the nurse that I was having lots of pain this cycle, my Dr. decided I should come in for an ultrasound (with the wand) to scope out my ovaries. I am excited to hopefully get some answers. I am nervous about what the answers might be. The pain died off this weekend and once again, I find myself a masochist...wishing the pain would last just through Thursday so we might find the culprit! I am nervous the ultrasound will show cysts and confirm PCOS or something more sinister. I am nervous it will show signs of ovulation (because I was in too much pain and too fowl of mood to capitalize on that). I am nervous it won't show anything. And I won't know anything new. And I'll be left feeling like a crazy hypochondriac.
I am much less than merry. Christmas is fast approaching and I am struggling to find the holiday spirit. Last year for Christmas my husband wrapped up our laptop and when I opened it there was a power point about the "Mega Date" that was my gift. It had 6 parts. 1. Gear Up (snow coat and gloves, etc.), 2. Skiing (I'd never been), 3. Dinner (because surely we'd be hungry after skiing all day), 4. Hotel (a romantic place to crash for the night), 5. "Sleep", 6. BABY!
It was the best gift. It made me cry. Did I tell you I'm a crier? It came about 6 months into our TTC journey, still early on, but far enough for seeds of doubt to creep in that something might be amiss. We even timed the trip to match up with what I thought might be the weekend closest to ovulation.
Back then, a year ago, I looked ahead at 2013 as the year we would have our first baby. By this Christmas I was supposed to be bouncing an infant on my knee while we sat around the tree on Christmas morning. If not holding a baby, surely I would have one growing inside of me by Christmas 2013. But, here I sit, empty womb-ed in the throws of some ugly feelings I just can't seem to shake.
Here's hoping that 2014 brings some peace, patience, and perspective.
And maybe a positive post or two.
Sorry, that was a bad plan.
Instead of releasing my "ugly" here, I took it out on my husband. I got all bent out of shape when he made a joke about the laundry still being in the dryer from a week ago. I gave him the silent treatment for a reason I can't even remember now. And I think steam poured out of my ears every time he commented on how waiting two weeks to hear about a potential career change was KILLING him. How it is just so hard to wait for something he wants so bad! Umm, hello?
Instead of taking the good-wife approach and saying something like, "I totally get it, babe. It's awful trying to be patient when you're waiting on something you've wanted so long," I took the sarcastic approach and said something like, "Oh my gosh! Wow! You have to wait two whole weeks! How terrible! I have no idea what that feels like!"
What a b.
Truthfully, I'm just hurting...and it's not his fault.
I am so tired of putting up this front that things are swell when inside I am overrun by feelings of despair, impatience, anger, confusion...(all the ugly things). That's not to say that I can't find joy in the many "swell" parts of my life, but I just feel overwhelmed by the hurt throb that's going on.
I am nervous. Nervous about an appointment Thursday at the OBGYN. After I conveyed to the nurse that I was having lots of pain this cycle, my Dr. decided I should come in for an ultrasound (with the wand) to scope out my ovaries. I am excited to hopefully get some answers. I am nervous about what the answers might be. The pain died off this weekend and once again, I find myself a masochist...wishing the pain would last just through Thursday so we might find the culprit! I am nervous the ultrasound will show cysts and confirm PCOS or something more sinister. I am nervous it will show signs of ovulation (because I was in too much pain and too fowl of mood to capitalize on that). I am nervous it won't show anything. And I won't know anything new. And I'll be left feeling like a crazy hypochondriac.
I am much less than merry. Christmas is fast approaching and I am struggling to find the holiday spirit. Last year for Christmas my husband wrapped up our laptop and when I opened it there was a power point about the "Mega Date" that was my gift. It had 6 parts. 1. Gear Up (snow coat and gloves, etc.), 2. Skiing (I'd never been), 3. Dinner (because surely we'd be hungry after skiing all day), 4. Hotel (a romantic place to crash for the night), 5. "Sleep", 6. BABY!
It was the best gift. It made me cry. Did I tell you I'm a crier? It came about 6 months into our TTC journey, still early on, but far enough for seeds of doubt to creep in that something might be amiss. We even timed the trip to match up with what I thought might be the weekend closest to ovulation.
Back then, a year ago, I looked ahead at 2013 as the year we would have our first baby. By this Christmas I was supposed to be bouncing an infant on my knee while we sat around the tree on Christmas morning. If not holding a baby, surely I would have one growing inside of me by Christmas 2013. But, here I sit, empty womb-ed in the throws of some ugly feelings I just can't seem to shake.
Here's hoping that 2014 brings some peace, patience, and perspective.
And maybe a positive post or two.
Oh girl, we all do it... The 'by this time next year' thing. It's the worst! The ugly goes with the territory, though not something any of us are proud of, it's normal, and in my experienced opinion, 100% fair. I hope you find your Christmas mojo and I hope that ultrasound is informative. Just remember each step is part of the process, and I promise you, even if you can't see it now, this is both making you a stronger woman AND preparing you for motherhood. Your day will come, until then, one foot in front of the other!
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