So about that egg...

It seems like not too long ago I was in utter (or should I say udder) shock that I ovulated.  I guess it seems that way because it was not that long ago that I found out the angry bird on the right finally got the job done!  Not long ago at all.  Like a little over a week.

Well, once again,

Except this time it's a Mackerel instead of a cow, because "Holy Cow" is just too ordinary, and I am still trying to refrain from the profane.

So, Holy Mackerel you guys!!!  Guess what?!?!  

I've been wrestling with how to post this.  So, let me just say I saw two blue lines last Tuesday.

You can leave me forever if you need to and I won't blame you one bit, but I hope that somehow everyone, no matter your circumstances, can have a little slice of this magic...because this pregnancy feels nothing short of a miracle.

I typed a few sentences shortly after taking the HPT, but they sadden me now because the excitement, joy, disbelief, awe, and giddiness I felt in that moment was clouded with apology.  It was like I was begging forgiveness for my body cooperating with me...begging forgiveness for not putting in the same amount of time, money, and tears to reach this milestone I've been dreaming of...begging forgiveness for a miracle??

After a week of sitting with the news that I am pregnant, though it still doesn't hardly seem real, I have decided I have nothing to apologize for.  I am sorry that there are people who have to deal with one disappointment/set-back/road-block after another after another in their journey.  I am sorry that some people may not reach their dreams...or at least in the way or time-frame that they had hoped for.   I am  sorry, but I do not need to apologize for myself.  I can have empathy for others while still embracing joy when it comes into my life.

That might seem like a big "duh" for most people, but it's hard for me.  It always has been...it's why I avoid watching the news.  It debilitates me...How can I feel happy about X when I know there are people out there struggling with Y?

Well, I'm not doing that anymore.  Or not for this anyway.  I'm taking Brene Brown's advice and leaning hard into this joy for however long it lasts!

So, for those who are in a place to hear it, let me tell you the tale...

Awake.  Wide awake.

Above anything else, "awake" was how I felt when I saw the second line appear on the test.  (If I had been more awake to begin with I probably would have started freaking out at the first line...because that's the one you really want!)

But it was 4:30am and I had gotten up to let the dogs out, so I was pretty groggy.  I am in the habit of needing the midnight potty break too since I get up with them nearly every night.  I fumbled around in the bathroom cabinet searching for that left over pregnancy test I had told myself I was going to take.  I wasn't looking forward to it.  I have failed every one of those dang things I had ever taken and wasn't expecting the result to be any different this go around.  But, I was prepping for my follow-up appointment with my doctor later that day.  I had prepared a page and a half of notes and questions for my appointment and was gearing up for an assertive approach that does not come natural to me...at all.  Discussing my options (which felt financially restricted), making a plan to move forward, and considering a second opinion or specialist were all on the agenda.

It was day 39 of my current cycle.  No biggie to me.  My cycles prior to Clomid ranged from 56 to 74 days.  Though they got shorter with Clomid (38-42 days)...I was still well within the range of my "normal."  Since this was a non-Clomid cycle I was expecting it to be long.

But, my new take-charge approach told me to test.  Not because I even hoped it would be positive, but just so we could move on with the conversation at the appointment.  I assumed my doctor would hear "Day 39" and ask if I had tested.  Better to be able to answer, "Yes, and it was negative," than to have to say, "No, but don't worry." 

Well, I finally found the box, unwrapped the darn little pee-stick, and by the dim glow cast by the nightlight, did my thing...hoping I hit the stick, but hell if I cared.  I suppose I could have waited a couple hours, but I figured I'd use the first morning urine and just get it over with.

One line.  <Yawn>

Two lines. <HOLY ....!>

I think I laughed at the dogs.  Well, not at them, but to them.  And I think I must have looked something like Macaulay Culkin in the after-shave scene of Home Alone.  And I literally rubbed my eyes like some cartoon character and got about an inch from the test to be sure I wasn't seeing things.

"Oh my...holy...what?...thank you...no way...ho...ho...holy...oh my...oh...no way...thank you God...what the?...kidding me?...oh my..."

I don't know who I was talking to...the dogs maybe?  Doesn't matter I guess, I couldn't get out a single complete thought.  And then I hugged myself...and I think I kissed my hand and touched it to my belly.

I was flooded with emotions.  All kinds.  Emotions wonderful beyond belief and those of the guilty, apologetic variety I mentioned earlier.  And every so often, ever so briefly, the good stuff was punctuated with terror.  Fear that it wouldn't last.  Fear I was dreaming. Fear that the timing was terrible.  I still get those fearful moments, and I expect I will continue to...but I think it's totally normal and am trying to keep them at bay and soak up the magic of it all.

I managed to make it until 5:15 before I woke up my husband.  I was going to try to do something clever to break the news to him...in the year and a half I'd spent fantasizing about this moment I had about a hundred ideas.  I knew I wouldn't be able to contain my excitement long enough to pull off something elaborate, so I was going to leave the HPT on the bathroom counter with a "Hi Daddy" note or something like that.  But even that was too much.  I tried going back to bed and snuggled up next to JT. 

After five minutes I think I whispered, "I can't sleep," to which he mumbled, "mmm, sorry."  And then I whispered, "So, about that egg...I guess we caught it after all.  The pregnancy test was positive!"

He was as wide awake as I was and the last week has been like we are stumbling around in a dream.  We haven't been able to keep it a secret from our family and closest friends...and haven't had the patience for clever "reveals" of the news.  I've heard you should wait until you are through the first trimester before announcing...but screw the rules!  I want to share this! 

Currently our due date is October 3 and we are scheduled to go in for an early ultrasound and initial pregnancy consultation next Tuesday. 

Holy Mackerel...this is happening!