The Reason

The content of this post has been swirling around in my head for awhile now.  And, being the non-confrontational person that I am, I wasn't willing to post it so as not to offend.  But, after the abrupt passing of a colleague yesterday, I think I'm ready.  And honestly, the following are just my musings.  You can agree or disagree, read or not read...

Our staff found out that C had cancer the same day I found out I was pregnant.  I think she only knew days, maybe weeks, before we did (although she had been feeling  crummy for awhile). 

Instantly, I think we all went back to a year and a half ago when we lost another staff member to her battle with cancer.  J taught second grade next door to me.  The year she joined our staff she was pregnant with her first son.  She had him in January of that year.  Seven months later she discovered she had a very rare and aggressive form of uterine cancer (that may have been triggered/started growing during her pregnancy).  Two years later, after the most courageous fight I've ever witnessed, our staff was invited into her house as she lay dying.  The events of that week, and of the years leading up to it, taught me so many lessons that I would rather have learned some other way.  She was 34 when she died.  I was blessed to know her for a brief portion of that all-to-brief life.

So, like I said, when we heard about C, I think many of us flashed back to J and thought, "No.  Not again."  I know I for one was thinking C would beat this.  Lots of people get cancer.  Lots survive...many don't...and many more survive for quite some time before cancer finally wins.  I was kind of refusing to believe that it could be as bad as it was.  And I, selfishly I admit,  was also in my own little happy pregnancy bubble...trying not to let anything get me down.  See, our staff seems to be plagued with one tragedy after another...and C's cancer was yet another blow.  After awhile you get fatigued by all the bad news...and maybe a little desensitized.  When I got the phone call yesterday I was taken completely by surprise.  I didn't see it coming...or at least thought there was more time.  How much more of this kind of news could we receive?  When would we get a break?  Why was something terrible happening again to our little family?  And to C's family?  Why her? Why now? WHY???

I don't know the answer to any of those questions.  And frankly no one does.  But it seems like whenever life presents a challenge (no matter how great or how small), people are searching for THE REASON.  Why??

And often times people try to give answers to these questions that are so far beyond us:

It was God's time...
Her time here was done, God needed her in heaven...
She's in a better place now...
There is a reason for everything...
God works in mysterious ways...

Ummm, I'm sorry, but what gives you the authority to speak for the universe?  C was older than J, but still young...it's doesn't make it any better.  She had two boys in their 20s and a grandchild.  Her mom came to see her this Easter weekend; no mom should have to say goodbye to her baby, whether the baby is 50-something or a 5 week-old embryo.  What's this business about there being some magical clock that is ticking away for us all?

While in the midst of infertility, I heard many things that drove me crazy.  I know all those in the IF camp can relate and spout off some of the most common obnoxious lines...

Maybe if you just relax...
Trust me, you don't want kids...
You've got plenty of time...

And on and on the list goes.  For me, it was all grating on the nerves, but the comments that probably drove me craziest of all were the supposedly religious/faith-centered ones...

It's just not God's time yet...
God has a plan for you...
The Lord works in mysterious ways...
There is a REASON for everything...
and...brace yourself...Maybe God is testing your faith...

<SHUDDER>

Look familiar?

What is it about?  Why do people do that??  Feel like they have to justify why something terrible happens?

I guess I don't blame them really...I mean, sometimes there are just not adequate words.  And we grasp for anything that seems helpful.

Heck, I've probably done it myself in some capacity... 

But, soooo many people say stuff like that when life presents a challenge!!!  They say it to themselves.  They say it to those they are trying to support.  Do they believe it???  I mean really deep-down in their bones believe it??  Or is it calming to think that God planned for you to experience the misery??  That God has some masterful lesson to teach you...and he wants you to learn the hard way?  Does believing there is a reason for everything somehow lessen the weight of the crummy stuff in life?

For me, it doesn't.  I can't wrap my head around it.   I can't believe in a God who would plan for so many willing and capable parents to traverse IF, while planning that other, less willing (perhaps less capable) couples seem to have trouble avoiding pregnancy.  I can't believe in a God who says, "I am taking this 34-year-old mother and teacher after her horrific fight with cancer (it's her time, you know...she's been here long enough)...meanwhile, I think this child molester should get off the hook because of a mistrial." 

 I'm sorry folks, but I just don't buy it.  Not for a minute. Does not compute.  I do not see God there.  Perhaps that is me trying to reason with things I cannot comprehend.   

There is that saying, "Bad things happen to good people,"  but truly...bad things happen to all people.  And good things happen to all people.  And sometimes the ratio of good things to bad things seems completely out of whack.

But here's my take: that's life.  It is chaotic.  It is wonderful.  It is tough.  It is inspiring.

With comments like the ones above, I think some people try to force faith and reason to be on the same plane.  Like, "If I don't believe that God has a reason for what is happening in my life, than I am not being faithful."   

 

 

I don't think it has to be that way though.  I think faith goes beyond reason.  I think faith is saying, "I don't get it...and it totally bites, but I'm trusting that somehow, something will see me through." 

I don't think God's hand is in the tragedies and misery of life...I think it is in the response to tragedy and misery.  I think His hand is in the friend that gives you a hug, the coworker that passes a Kleenex, the husband that kisses your forehead.  I think it is in the perspective you gain and the lessons you learn as you trudge through the yuck of life.

I learned many lessons dealing with IF and feel like I am a different and maybe better person for it.  And for that I can be grateful now.  But I don't think that any of those things are the reason I faced IF...I don't think my life would have been incomplete or less full had I been able to surpass those lessons.  And on the flip side...I don't think there is any incredible reason I am pregnant now...I just got plain lucky and I am soooo thankful!  Does that make sense?

I think what I am trying to say is I don't believe that things happen for a reason (short of luck or biology or something).  I don't believe they happen as part of some grand cosmic scheme.  I DO believe we can find reasons to be thankful/grateful for the way life unfolds, trials and all.  If we look hard enough.  That's where God is...that's where faith is...that's where growth lives.

For example, I can find NO REASON C and J left this life so soon, but I am grateful and blessed for knowing them.

Rest in Peace C, and keep an eye on all those little kindergarten babies that have no good reason to be with you right now.