I'm Baaack...

"Where did you go?" you ask.

Well, the short answer is that I have been sick.  And tired.  And writing a blog post seemed like too much exertion.

And no.  Let me just save you the trouble.  I am not "knocked up."  I promise.

Funny thing about that though is that when you are a certain age, especially without kids, one of the first things people ask when you get sick is, "Are you pregnant?"

This happened to me just last night...I went to work to print out some sub plans and gather a few materials for today's guest teacher.  As any teacher knows, being sick does not mean you don't have to work...it just means you don't have to be at work while the kids are there.  Anyway, I was just dropping by to get things ready and of course, our custodian was there.  You remember??  The one who asked if I had gained weight over Thanksgiving Break.  Well, her social graces continue to leave much to be desired...

Custodian: Hey, where you come from? You at meeting?
Me: No, I was at home sick today.  I am just getting some things ready because I will be gone tomorrow too.
C: Oh, you have baby? Baby make you sick!
Me: No...no baby, just some virus that has moved into my eyes and ears.  It's no fun at all.  I've been sick for three weeks.
C: Oh, I thought you pregnant.  When I was pregnant, I soooo sick.  I sit by toilet all day! You sure you not pregnant?
Me: Nope, not pregnant.
C:  Oh, I thought you have baby make you sick.  You look pregnant.
Me: Hahaha...no.
C:  Hahaha <Sigh>
Me: <GO AWAY!>

Really?????  A.) I don't look pregnant!  If anything, I have lost weight due to all the sweating, sleeping, and not-eating-very-much-because-I-have-been-so-sick-ness that has been going on.  B.) You think she would have stopped after the first "no." C.) You don't say stuff like "You look pregnant" to people....especially if they just told you TWICE that they are not.

I actually entered Christmas Break (back at the time of my last post) in pretty good health and head-space.  I was feeling joyful about having a new niece, relieved to know a little bit more about the state of my ovaries, free from the pressures of TTC during a treatment cycle, and excited to see and spend some quality time with my family over the next couple of weeks.

I was proud of myself.  I'd had a lot on my mind and my plate in 2013 and even though it hadn't been easy, I felt like I was coping pretty well.  You might disagree when you remember some of my earlier posts, but honestly, for me, I was doing great.  And remember, this is my outlet...not my existence.  It's a place for the ugly stuff.  Anyway, I was managing. Less stressful problems in my past have had more severe responses and depressive episodes...it's part of how I'm wired I think...but maybe, just maybe, I was figuring out how to reroute some of the circuits.

I even had this moment when calm washed over me and I knew I would come out the other side of this whole fertility journey okay.  And just when things were looking up and I was feeling half-way normal, the rollercoaster that is life took a turn...and plunged down.  And that's where I spent most of my break...down in that pit.  And I've spent the past week or so trying to will myself out of it.  Again, I know I will be okay...but I'm not so proud as I was...to think I was building some sort of immunity for life's lows.

Christmas was not what I expected. It was not good.  And getting sick the next day and being forced by my body to stay home ALONE while everyone was together was like adding salt to a wound.  I have decided that being left with only myself for extended periods of time is a recipe for disaster.  If I am alone too long I just think...and think...and read stuff about what I am thinking...and watch stuff about what I am thinking...and think some more...and wind up entrenched in thoughts that have spiraled out of control. 

Let me be more specific:

I spent lots of my downtime catching up on blogs, reading fertility-related articles, rereading Waiting for Daisy,  watching documentaries and vlogs about TTC, miscarriage, and adoption.  I watched a couple dozen you-tube videos of Brene Brown (who has some amazing things to say about shame and gratitude and sympathy vs. empathy and more) and some make-yourself-a-better-person with this one simple tip TED talk videos on Netflix.  In doing all this, a few things happened: 

*I had read and watched some inspiring and hopeful things, but the SADNESS I encountered was overwhelming and prevailing.  I had identified with and internalized the sadness.

*I felt like a crummy person that was making a mess of my life....not living it the best that I could, but unsure how to remedy the situation because I felt like so much needed to change.

*I blamed my body for letting me down yet again.  My body hasn't been able to get pregnant and now, my body was sick...forcing me to be alone and stuck with my thoughts.  If my body had just stayed well then I wouldn't be in this sorry state!   

At one point, while perusing facebook with all my downtime, I noticed one of my friends had shared THIS with an invitation "To all my mommy friends and future mommies."  She is pregnant right now with her second, so I am thinking the "future mommies" meant "if you are pregnant too."  I'm pretty sure I wasn't invited, but I decided to click on the link anyway.

The author did a beautiful job expressing how powerful and amazing her body is and how her heart beat not so far from her daughter's heart and how she is an undefeated  and incredible vessel and how she has marks to prove she was once too small to hold all the love that filled her...etc.

I am so happy for her and for all mommies out there who can shout a resounding "AMEN!"  Truly...no sarcasm or nothin'!  Truly happy.  I so badly want the experience she describes!  I don't want my thoughts to detract from the empowerment that anyone derives/d in the process of growing a human.  It is incredible.  In.cred.i.ble!

But, I'm just left wondering, if the bodies that make people mommies are "strong, able, well, undefeated, full of life, and powerful," than what am I?  The inverse of these things?  Weak? Disabled? Sickly? Defeated? Powerless?

It's kind of how I feel right now.  I recently told one of my best friends that I am a beautiful wreck...and told her she may even encounter a blog post with that title.  Consider this that post.  I am an absolute mess of emotions right now.  I don't pretend to know how to navigate them.  But I am starting to see that in the midst of my mess is a message.  I realize that this is a defining time in my life and that I will come out the other end a better, stronger person.

Until then, I'm back here, to wade through the muck with you all as my witnesses.