It Starts Here

So, this is it…my first EVER official blog entry.  I feel so savvy.  I’ve actually been wanting to start a teaching blog for awhile now.  One of my teaching partners started one this past summer and between her and all the other amazingly creative and hilarious teacher-bloggers out there, I was feeling inspired.  “That seems like fun,” I thought.

But, I never got around to it because, well, I guess I was scared.  Or lazy.  Or preoccupied.  Or all of the above.  See, I was thinking that maybe I didn’t have what it took to blog…maybe I won’t be funny or creative or maybe I’ll run out of things to say or people won’t like the things I say or people won’t even read the things I say.  As if there was some standard for blogging and I was going to fall in the “Basic” or “Beginning” range (CCSS & TPEP reference for my fellow teacher folk)!  I’ve never been good at being below average…or even average for that matter.  In everything I do, I want to be a little bit better than perfect, as if my whole self-worth rides on it. I don’t really fail at stuff…at least until now.

July marked my 28^th birthday and my 5^th year of marriage.  August marked one year of failure:  failure to get pregnant.  When you hit the year mark, your doctors (and insurance) start calling you “infertile.”  I started journaling because that’s what I’ve always done when I have ugly feelings that I can’t hold in, but don’t know what else to do with.  I still have my childhood diary and write in it from time to time.  Funny thing you should know about me: even as a kid, I only ever used it to rant or wallow.  It was a safe place to let go of my ugly.  I could (and still do) lock it up so no one can see my much-less-than-perfect parts.

Recently, I turned to the fertility-challenged blogging community for support because infertility is a lonely and relentless landscape to navigate.  Even when those around you who know about your struggles try to comfort and encourage you, it is still lonely.  Again, I was inspired.  These ladies were ranting and wallowing and celebrating for the whole wide world to see…and their “ugly” was helping people like me to cope.  They succeeded in making me feel less alone.  They verbalized the things I was thinking and feeling.  “That seems liberating,” I thought.

Some big changes are on the horizon for me right now (completely unrelated to teaching or fertility), and I have been feeling trapped by my fear of change.  One of my teaching partners compares me to Scaredy Squirrel…anyone??  Real quick: he’s a character from a cute series of kids’ books who loves his simple, predictable life and is terrified of the unknown…but each adventure he has into the world beyond his safe nut tree enriches his life.  Anyway, she’s totally right; I am Scaredy Squirrel.  And she would know, because she’s a Scaredy Squirrel too.  So…I’ve been feeling trapped. And scared.  And defeated.  And frustrated.  And a whole list of ugly things, so being liberated/enriched sounded awesome.

And that’s when I decided to start KinderCoaster.  I realize now that it could be read as kinder…with a long i, as in we need to be kinder to one another because we are all dealing with ugly stuff.  But is kinder even a word or would it be more kind…or would it be more kinder like first graders would say?? (Sometimes I think teaching those little people makes me less smarter). 

Anyway, I wasn’t thinking of a long i sound…I was thinking Kinder, as in kindergarten.  As in little people like first graders and babies.  And Coaster, as in rollercoaster, because the coaster that you put your drink on so it doesn’t leave a ring just wouldn’t make sense.  Oh, and because life, for all of us, is one big series of ups and downs and twists and turns…like a never-ending rollercoaster  that is both fantastically thrilling and pee-your-pants terrifying.

It is time for me to let go…let go of my fears of being judged as less than perfect.  Making my diary public seems like a pretty good way to start.  And because it is my diary, fair warning: there is probably going to be a lot of ranting and wallowing because that is what I have always used diaries for.  But, I will try to balance it out with some good stuff too because life is full of good stuff and it just seems healthier to acknowledge that.

And that is the main purpose of this blog…totally selfish: it is my place to release the ugly, face my fears, and be imperfect.  And if you feel entertained or inspired or comforted by this endeavor, welcome aboard the KinderCoaster.