Sunday, November 10, 2013

It Starts Here


So, this is itmy first EVER official blog entry.  I feel so savvy.  I’ve actually been wanting to start a teaching blog for awhile now.  One of my teaching partners started one this past summer and between her and all the other amazingly creative and hilarious teacher-bloggers out there, I was feeling inspired.  “That seems like fun,” I thought.

But, I never got around to it because, well, I guess I was scared.
 Or lazy.  Or preoccupied.  Or all of the above.  See, I was thinking that maybe I didn’t have what it took to blogmaybe I won’t be funny or creative or maybe I’ll run out of things to say or people won’t like the things I say or people won’t even read the things I say.  As if there was some standard for blogging and I was going to fall in the “Basic” or “Beginning” range (CCSS & TPEP reference for my fellow teacher folk)!  I’ve never been good at being below averageor even average for that matter.  In everything I do, I want to be a little bit better than perfect, as if my whole self-worth rides on it. I don’t really fail at stuffat least until now.

July marked my 28
th birthday and my 5th year of marriage.  August marked one year of failure:  failure to get pregnant.  When you hit the year mark, your doctors (and insurance) start calling you “infertile.”  I started journaling because that’s what I’ve always done when I have ugly feelings that I can’t hold in, but don’t know what else to do with.  I still have my childhood diary and write in it from time to time.  Funny thing you should know about me: even as a kid, I only ever used it to rant or wallow.  It was a safe place to let go of my ugly.  I could (and still do) lock it up so no one can see my much-less-than-perfect parts.

Recently, I turned to the fertility-challenged blogging community for support because infertility is a lonely and relentless landscape to navigate.
  Even when those around you who know about your struggles try to comfort and encourage you, it is still lonely.  Again, I was inspired.  These ladies were ranting and wallowing and celebrating for the whole wide world to seeand their “ugly” was helping people like me to cope.  They succeeded in making me feel less alone.  They verbalized the things I was thinking and feeling.  “That seems liberating,” I thought.

Some big changes are on the horizon for me right now (completely unrelated to teaching or fertility), and I have been feeling trapped by my fear of change.  One of my teaching partners compares me to Scaredy Squirrelanyone??  Real quick: he’s a character from a cute series of kids’ books who loves his simple, predictable life and is terrified of the unknownbut each adventure he has into the world beyond his safe nut tree enriches his life.  Anyway, she’s totally right; I am Scaredy Squirrel.  And she would know, because she’s a Scaredy Squirrel too.  SoI’ve been feeling trapped. And scared.  And defeated.  And frustrated.  And a whole list of ugly things, so being liberated/enriched sounded awesome.

And that’s when I decided to start KinderCoaster.  I realize now that it could be read as kinderwith a long i, as in we need to be kinder to one another because we are all dealing with ugly stuff.  But is kinder even a word or would it be more kindor would it be more kinder like first graders would say?? (Sometimes I think teaching those little people makes me less smarter). 

Anyway, I wasn’t thinking of a long i soundI was thinking Kinder, as in kindergarten.  As in little people like first graders and babies.  And Coaster, as in rollercoaster, because the coaster that you put your drink on so it doesn’t leave a ring just wouldn’t make sense.  Oh, and because life, for all of us, is one big series of ups and downs and twists and turnslike a never-ending rollercoaster  that is both fantastically thrilling and pee-your-pants terrifying.

It is time for me to let golet go of my fears of being judged as less than perfect.  Making my diary public seems like a pretty good way to start.  And because it is my diary, fair warning: there is probably going to be a lot of ranting and wallowing because that is what I have always used diaries for.  But, I will try to balance it out with some good stuff too because life is full of good stuff and it just seems healthier to acknowledge that.

And that is the main purpose of this blogtotally selfish: it is my place to release the ugly, face my fears, and be imperfect.  And if you feel entertained or inspired or comforted by this endeavor, welcome aboard the KinderCoaster.

 


 

8 comments:

  1. Welcome to blog land! I am so proud of you for putting yourself out there and showing those of us that know you that you have uglies (that word makes me giggle). I just know you are going to inspire so many people through your blog, including myself! BRAVO! Teaching with Giggles

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    1. Thanks V! Glad I have you to keep me giggling...this blog never would have happened without you!

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  2. Awww Kelsey, I didnt know you were jumping into blog land, just read Veronicas and saw her link for a "teaching friend's" new page, and thought "Who is this? Must be someone I know!" Well I love this! And I love you! You are an amazing, funny, and talented person! And being that I don't live by you girls at school anymore and I am excited that I can read you and V's blogs and feel like I know how your days were! Love you girls

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  3. Nice work Scaredy Squirrel! From one fellow squirrel to another, this took guts! Also, you are NEVER allowed to call yourself LAZY! Nice try but that shoe just doesn't fit. I just know that God will give you a little person someday and I admire the courage you have to keep fighting the good fight. You ARE going to be an amazing mommy! What a privilege its been to walk along side you in your journey. Lastly, now the pressure is on for me to blog as well:/ Either that or I will just be known as the-first-grade-teacher-who doesn't-blog!

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  4. Welcome to Blog Land! I'll be here right along side you ☺

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  5. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog! Yours is the third I've received in three weeks! It makes me feel POPULAR! I love your snowman light bulbs (we sometimes make them out of paint rollers), and adore your year-round "tree!" Wonderful ideas! Thanks for sharing!

    Know that I was on a quest to conceive and low doses of Chlomid many moons ago! My periods had always been irregular--something I was thankful for "growing up"--but felt cursed by as a mother wannabe. One year of meds and I was pregnant with my son, who is 23 now, so don't give up hope. Eighteen months later my daughter was born without any help from pharmaceuticals! Your life will be blessed if you believe! In the meantime, take care of yourself and the children who are entrusted to you every day!
    ~Jennifer

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    1. It is fun to see new faces and comments on your blog! Thanks for the words of encouragement, Jennifer. I haven't lost hope yet...hearing stories like yours keeps me going. Fertility struggles are more common than some might think so I figured I might as well just put it out there. It has been therapeutic for me to have a place to release some of the things I'm feeling while simultaneously sharing and gathering teaching ideas.

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